The Many Faces of Jon Scheyer

We've been away for the holidays but tonight, we'll make our return with a vengeance. Since I visited with you last, lots of things have happened. The Clemson basketball team has run its record to 15-0 (1-0) and they've finally drawn the attention of those famed national pundits. The gridiron variety of the Tigers finished their season with an emphatic thud. We'll steer clear of that subject until tomorrow, though. Then, I'll let everyone know why wanting to fire coach Tommy Bowden makes them an utter moron.

On a lazy, rainy Friday night, it seems like a good time to poke a little bit of fun at Duke. It's always fun to do that, right? After all, when you recruit a bunch of hapless white kids from the suburbs, you're basically putting out a call to all of the prospective bashers. Coach K's squad had a handful of questions entering the 2006-2007 seven. Who would replace Shelden Williams and his big forehead on the inside? Where would the scoring come from? Will the Devils continue to get all of the calls in the ACC? The most important question, in my mind and in the mind of many Maryland fans, is "Who will replace J.J. Redick as the goofiest individual on the Duke roster?" Greg Paulus was a likely candidate to fill this role, but it seems that a freshman has taken the baton as the guiding light and bastion of Caucasian ineptitude.

It would be fun to blast Jon Scheyer for his flimsy frame or perhaps for the fact that Kentucky wouldn't offer him a scholarship. This McDonald's All-American chose Duke because, in the end, it was the place where he would be able to exercise his perplexing facial expressions. While visiting the fan forum at Terpsportsreport.com, a Maryland-based website, I came across one of the most intriguing discussions that I have ever seen on the internet. If you have visited one of Clemson's most popular fan sites, which will remain nameless, you know that good humor is generally wasted on Clemson folks. They'd rather discuss what does or does not represent class and show an uninhibited amount of stupidity that would make most any mouth-breathing retard jealous. With that rant out of the way, I can honestly tell you that these folks at Maryland know humor. They were so effective in this that I almost considered forgiving them for throwing a chili burger and batteries at our group when we beat their football squad in 2005. Almost...

The object of abject humiliation is the aforementioned Jon Scheyer. We're still not sure who he paid to get on the McDonald's All-America team as his 74th ranking makes him purely average by Duke and ACC standards. Still, he did score a ton of points in his high school career. In the end, he left as the state of Illinois' 3rd leading scorer all-time. The secret to his success? Faces. With faces like his, making fun and poking jokes are about as easy as Jenna Jameson. We're talking about throwing your hot dog down a hallway here, folks.

Let's begin with some classics from this season.

Alright, this one is probably explainable. He's in the middle of committing a blocking foul. I could see myself making some sort of face like this after stepping in front of a large Holy Cross forward (without getting my feet set, of course). In case you are wondering, Jonny boy wasn't called for a foul on this play. Stay with me though, as we're building a pattern of inexcusable behavior.

Honestly, this one is far less acceptable. Honestly, Jon, what is so difficult about raising your arms on defense? What makes you make this sort of "effort" face during such a common moment. It's not like you were on the road, buddy. Trust me, you won't have to play an out of conference road game your entire career. There's nothing to worry about, buffoon. George Mason had already had all nine of their top players foul out by this point (I made that up.)

Didn't your coach ever teach you to look the pass all the way in? What the hell are you looking at, idiot? Come to think of it, what is that guy in the background looking at. Hey buddy, the game's this way. Duke basketball - you can't make this stuff up.

This might be the best one. What is this Godzilla looking at? The only time this face is ever acceptable on the basketball court or in life is if, 1) someone kicks you in the gonads with something comparable to a steel toed boot, 2) you dog and best friend of 15+ years passes away tragically in a automobile accident, or 3) your wife tells you that she's one of those lesbians not fit for adult television. In this case, I doubt Jon Scheyer has fallen victim to any of the previously mentioned circumstances. You also have to wonder what the hell was so funny to those folks in the front row of the stands. Someone must have just told them that Duke had a shot at the final four.

Once again, Jon Scheyer's "hustle face" appears in what looks like a foul. Thanks to the fine folks over at terpsportsreport.com for pointing out that just about ever Scheyer bombshell occurs in either a turnover or a raping. This foul, like many before it, was not deemed violent enough by officials to be called a foul. I imagine that Georgetown's John Thompson III jumped through his threads after this play. Still, is it necessary to look like such a nimrod when you commit a foul? Maybe next time, just take his head off with a smile.

Jon Scheyer has been doing this long before he put on the characteristic blue uniform of Duke. As this photographic evidence shows, the kid was making faces in high school, as well. Along with his jump shot, Jon undoubtedly had much practice that helped him prove to be an All-American ass clown. In this photo, Greg Oden's Raven makes him drop a presidential edition turd in his shorts.

I'm not gonna lie, I think attacking Greg Oden is a bad idea. It's an even worse idea if you do with this facial expression. Either Scheyer is terrified, or he is just one crazy mother sucker. Maybe these next few pictures are photoshopped. Maybe they aren't. I'll let you be the judge.

So maybe John Scheyer doesn't look like a large-mouthed bass. I thought it was a fair comparison, though. At this point in his career, he's already accumulated much more to hate than J.J. Redick could ever dream of. Let's all hold out hope that this Duke douche bag has a plethora of poetry hiding somewhere under his bed.